"A CA was walking along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated ""I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.
The CA pulled out a map of the South Asia and said ""I'd like there to be peace among the people in the South Asia without any terrorist attacks.""
The genie responded, ""Gee, I don't know. Those terrorists have been fighting since the beginning of time. They are always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.""
The CA then said, ""Well, we are conducting an audit for a big corporate. If you can help us to find frauds in the company, should there be any""
Genie: ""Uh, let me see that map again.""
(March 2009)
"In a small town in India, a person decided to open a Bar, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't!!'"
(April 2009)
"A group of frogs were travelling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, he said to the other frogs “Thanks for encouraging me as I being deaf could only see your energising actions”.
This teaches two lessons:
1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.
2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.
Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.
(May 2009)
Two Chartered Accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two Chartered Accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, mobile phones etc. While this is going on CA number one jams something in CA number two's hand. Without looking down, CA number two whispers, "What is this?" to which CA number one replies, "It's that Rs.1000 I owe you."
(July 2009)
Two Candidates Ram and Shyam applied for a job of accountant. The boss decided to take a written test as the profiles of Ram and Shyam were similar.
They took the test and came back next day to see the who the boss chose. ""Well"", he said, ""Both of you got the same score, but I,m going to select Ram""
Shyam complained ""Don't you think that's prejudice""
""Well"", the boss said,""It's because, for the last question Ram answered, 'I don't know' and you answered, ""I also don't know""."
(August 2009)
"A Chartered Accountant opened the door of his Mercedes Benz, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the CA was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Mercedes.
""Officer, look what they've done to me car!"" he whined.
""You CAs are so materialistic, you make me sick!"" retorted the officer. ""You so worried about your stupid Mercedes, that you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off!""
""Oh my god...."", replied the CA, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was ""Where's my Rolex!?""
(September 2009)
"Doctor to CA:
""Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with a glass of water.""
CA: ""Exactly what's my problem, Doctor?""
Doctor: ""You are not drinking enough water.""
(October 2009)
"There was a teacher who asked her class to use the word green, pink and yellow in a sentence.
A small kid raised his hand and said: ""The phone goes green green, I pink up the phone and say yellow""
""Ok, give me a sentence about public servant"", said the teacher.
The small boy said: ""The fireman came down the ladder pregnant""
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
""Don't you know what pregnant means?"" She asked.
""Sure"" said the young student confidently. ""Means carrying a child""
(November 2009)
"An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels.
He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped this individual, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck. On three occasions, the auditor got the truck checked removing the tarpaulin and then unloading the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was eating in a restaurant, when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, ""Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know.
What were you taking?"" And the individual said ""Tarpaulins.""
(December 2009)
"One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big strong guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "" 'Bully'Raja doesn't pay!"" and sat down at the back.
The driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek... Naturally, he didn't argue with 'Bully'Raja, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened -'Bully'Raja got on again, said ""'Bully'Raja doesn't pay!"" and sat down.
And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This irritated the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way 'Bully'Raja was taking advantage of his size.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building programme - karate, judo and all that good stuff. In the end, he had become quite strong.
So on the next Monday, when 'Bully'Raja got on the bus and said, "" 'Bully'Raja doesn't pay!"" the driver stood up, glared back and screamed, ""And why not?""
With a surprised look on his face, 'Bully'Raja replied, "" 'Bully'Raja has a Bus pass.""
Moral: First, be sure that there is a problem, before working hard to solve one."
(January 2010)
"A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he'd outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car's speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a Challan.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.’
The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’
No Challan.
**********************
A Chartered Accountant joined a large organisation. On his first day he dialled the canteen and shouted into the phone, “Get me some coffee, quick!”
The voice from the other side responded “You fool, you’ve dialled the wrong extension!
Do you know who you are talking to?”
“No”, replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Partner, you fool!” The voice shouted back.
The trainee did some quick thinking and asked forcefully,
“And do you know Sir, who you’re talking to?”
“No”, replied the Managing Partner.
“Ok”, said the trainee and hung up the phone.
**********************
A Chairman, Secretary and Vice-Chairman go out to lunch.
They see a brass lamp lying on the way. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub.
Instantly, a genie appears.""You know the deal,"" says the genie.
""Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have just one wish each.""
""Great,"" says the Vice Chairman ""Take me to Goa where I have lot of wealth, a bungalow, car and leave me there for ever.""
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
""Now me,"" says the Secretary. ""Take me to Darjeeling where I have lot of wealth, a bungalow, car and leave me there for ever.""
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the Chairman ""And what do you want?""
""I want those two back in the office immediately.""
**********************
(February 2010)
"These are some of the application and leave letters written by various personnel .
English, as they say, is really a funny language!
1. A candidate's application ""This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.""
2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave""...
3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: ""Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave""
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: ""As I am studying in this school i am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today""
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter ""I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school""
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
7. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.
(March 2010)
"How Do Stock Markets Work?
It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Meteorological Department and asked ""Is the coming winter going to be cold?"" ""It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"" the meteorologist responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the Meteorological Department again. ""Is it going to be a very cold winter?"" ""Yes,"" the man at Meteorological Department again replied, ""It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.""
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the Meteorological Department again. ""Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?""
""Absolutely,"" The man replied. ""It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.""
""How can you be so sure?"" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ""The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.""
This is how stock markets work !! "
(April 2010)
"THE COMMUNICATION
From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director
""Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen.""
From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head
""By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday.""
From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads
""By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday.""
From : Section Heads
To : Foreman
""If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock.""
From : Foreman
To : All Operators
""Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday"" "
(May 2010)
"A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, ""Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"" The business owner replies, ""That's the accountant I've been searching for.""
*** ***
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, ""Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?""
*** ***
(June 2010)
"A CA walks into a bank and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going out of town on audit for three weeks and needs to borrow Rs. 1 Lakh. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the CA hands over the keys of his Mercedes Benz parked on the street in front of the bank along with necessary papers. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Mercedes Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the CA returns, repays Rs. 1 Lakh and the interest, which comes to Rs.1000/-. The loan officer says, ""We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are pretty rich. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow Rs. 1 lakh?""
The CA replied, ""Where else in this city can I park my car safely for three weeks for 1000 bucks?""
(July 2010)
"A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day, the departing manager tells him, ""I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve.""
Three months down the line there is a major crisis, everything goes wrong and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says: ""Blame your predecessor!"" He does this and gets off the hook.
About six months later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read: ""Re-organise!"" This he does and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says: ""Prepare three envelopes!""
(August 2010)
"A Scientist conducted a very important experiment. He was doing research on frogs to jump upon giving it a verbal command (“Jump!”)
In the first stage of the experiment he told the frog to jump and it jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: “All organs of frog are functioning properly.”
Then he removed one leg of the frog and asked to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again: “Upon removing one leg, all frog’s organs are functioning properly.”
Then he removed the second leg, asked the frog to jump and nothing happened.
He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times but the frog never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: “Upon removing second leg, the frogs lose their sense of hearing”
(September 2010)
"Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, ""Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.""
The captain tells the man,"" Get my red coat and prepare for battle!""
The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.
The captain tells the assistant ""If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting.""
The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, ""Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!""
The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him ""Get me my brown pants!""
(October 2010)
